I feel like I just updated this. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re 4 days late on updating. This week didn’t go much better than last week. I lost a total of .7 of a pound which is better than nothing and much better than gaining. So that was a blessing. However, I didn’t do much to change my attitude. I was still obsessing over losing weight. I had forgotten the whole reason why I started this journey in the first place- to be healthy.
I had some very unhealthy moments this week. I was feeling overwhelmed and was still having a hard time eating healthy. Everything tasted horrible and I was still gagging on everything I put in my mouth. I cried at the drop of a hat. On Wednesday, everything came to a head and I had a complete and total mental break down. I could hardly eat at work that day. I felt sick to my stomach and gave myself a hunger head ache. I came home and laid around until Benn got home and cried because I didn’t know what to eat for dinner and I felt so sick that I didn’t even think I could eat. Then, I decided that I needed to eat something, so I tried to make a smoothie in the magic bullet and the stupid thing untwisted while I was trying to use it and got purplish green slime in the motor. I threw myself back onto my bed and sobbed into my pillow. Benn came in and said, “What’s wrong now?” Because that is the proper response when your wife has been crying for the majority of the time that you’ve been home. “I can’t even make a stupid smoothie” I said into the pillow. “It’s okay. It’s not easy.” He said being the super nice guy that he is. “I’ll finish it for you.” I continued to sob into my pillow until he brought over a giant glass of afore mentioned purplish green slime. I tried to drink it, but it tasted so terrible that I couldn’t put more than a half a glass down. So of course, I started sobbing more. Benn quit trying to watch his show and came and lay down next to me in bed. He consoled me and I just continued to sob and sob and sob. (I’m very dramatic.)
In that moment though, I realized that I wasn’t crying because of the food or because I wasn’t feeling well. Those were all cover ups for the real reason- I was terrified. I was so afraid of failing. I have tried so many times to diet or make a life style change or be healthier. I always ended up back in the same spot. I always ended up quitting and binging. I did not want that to happen this time. I wanted to succeed so badly. I wanted to be healthy and feel good. I wanted to be free from my addiction.
Once I had finally cried all the tears that I could produce, I picked my face up off of Benn’s chest and apologized. I don’t know if I was apologizing for crying or for over-reacting, or for the nice mixture of snot tears that had now plastered his shirt to his body. Being the amazing, sympathetic man that he is, he just hugged me close and told me everything would be alright. And that’s what I need to remember this week. Everything will be alright.
This week’s step is Truth. This is a hard step. Basically I wrote down everything I knew to be true about myself- a moral inventory of my entire life. I learned a lot while doing this step. I pride myself on being fairly self-aware, but I tend to blame others for my mishaps at times. It can be hard for me to admit when I’m wrong, and so I use other people as excuses for my bad behavior or my failures. For example, the reason that I told myself that I ate was because my life was just too stressful and I needed an outlet. It may be true that food is an outlet for me, however, that’s not why I initially started eating. I have always been very self-indulgent. I binge on everything from television to naps. It’s no surprise that I would binge on food as well. I’ve learned that what it comes down to is, I lack self-control.
I started looking at other areas of my life where I lack control. My anxiety and even my depression stem from this. * I can remember feeling really low and this tiny voice in the back of my head just kept saying, “Snap out of it Chelsy. Just suck it up and be happy. There is literally no reason for you to feel this way.” I ignored that voice, though, because what it came down to was, the natural man inside of me wanted to be upset. I wanted to mope around the house and eat my weight in ice cream for no other reason than I wanted to. I didn’t have the self-discipline to snap myself out of my mood.
I’m messy for the same reason. I leave my stuff lying around everywhere because cleaning up a mess Is so much less fun than making a mess. I binge watch television because it’s easier than getting up and going to the gym or developing a new hobby. I cancel plans because I don’t want to make myself wash my hair and put on makeup. It’s just an endless list of times when my natural man overpowered my will to be a better person.
This realization was so powerful to me. I have power over my mind. I can overcome my cravings. I can say no to my addiction. Especially when just the day before, I was driving home from work and I knew that there was an Arby’s coming up on the left. I made a split second decision and pulled into the left hand turning lane and drove my car straight into the drive through before I could talk myself out of it. Not even that, I ordered the entire menu. A dr. pepper (my 2nd one that day) a medium roast beef sandwich, a medium curly fry and a 4 piece cheese stick. I got home, turned on the Mindy Project and ate until I felt too sick to move. And then I ate more because I only had two bites of my sandwich left and three cheese sticks and I really didn’t want to waste them. (AKA I really wanted to taste them.) I rolled my body into my bedroom and laid face down on my bed. I felt so ashamed, so full and just like a complete failure.
I called my husband so that I could confess to him. He’s a really good sponsor, though. He soothed away my tears, and then told me that he wasn’t disappointed in me and that he didn’t think less of me. He told me that I was still doing a good job and that I could do better tomorrow.
After I got off the phone with him, I decided that it would be a good time to take a look at the weight watchers web site. I have heard good things from several friends and I was finally able to admit that what I was doing wasn’t working. I needed more accountability so that I could overcome my self-indulgent tendencies. I joined and I’m really hoping that it will be the difference that I need.
For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yieldsto the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the naturalman and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
*I am in no way saying that you can stop being clinically depressed just because you want to or that those that are depressed just don’t have self-discipline. It’s a real, medical disease. These are just my findings for myself.